I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
