she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
