At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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