Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize