you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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