I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
