I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize