There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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