I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
