Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
