maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Let's get the cat blown out
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You are a genius and a whore.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize