Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
