You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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