literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
