its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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