haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
and she was petting her beer can
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
