we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
