I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
