so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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