1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
should my penis look like a turkey
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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