Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
