and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
