I never want to see another naked old woman again.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize