I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
