My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
