You're my little dorito
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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