At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
