I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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