Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
