So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
