Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
