So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
