Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize