Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
