Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
