is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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