I think I won the penis lottery.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
