running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
