Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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