you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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