"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
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