I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
