I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize