never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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