we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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