just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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