I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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