I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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