I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
