i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
