I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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