I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
