dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize