I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
