i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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