I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
