TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
