But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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