We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
