I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
