I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
