I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My liver just had a heart attack.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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