standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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