Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
