It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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