i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
